i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
