His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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