I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
