So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
it glows. i had to have it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize