You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
