If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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