my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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