I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I want a musical about memes.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
