Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize