I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
