All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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