I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
