I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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