It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
