im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
