Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
