hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
smell my finger.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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