She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
