so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
