I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I faked an abortion last night.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
