Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
