First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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