I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
