The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You left your phone here
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