I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
she smelled like a LAN party
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
