I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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