Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
