Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
