the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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