it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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