Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
