Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
