Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
