God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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