Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
