I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
