I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
