I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
