two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
