there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
