girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
