I wish I could teleport
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
