I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
