She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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