plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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