I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
