I hope mine doesn't look like that
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
