Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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