i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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