So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
