I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
