We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
