remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i think i have two assholes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
