i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
