saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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