His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
