WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
